Beckett Edge ,
I could say so much about the first year we had you by our side. But for now I have tucked that long long note away and placed it in your baby book. With that I often wonder what I missed, what moments I didn't see. Simply because of the fog I felt or the fact that you grew so fast even with us right by your side. Postpartum depression met me at your arrival and I wasn't expecting it. I was expecting what I felt when your were a little over one years old. A love so deep it made me miss you even tho you were just in the other room. Your first year had me waiting through lots of moments in my life. Continually finding my grip and realizing ultimatly this wasn't going to be an easy fix or that their was anything to fix at all. God didnt promise a life of ease , and his goodness simply doesnt come from moments of pure joy. His goodness radiates in the moments of pain when he shows up offering a comfort that is so hard to explain. The goodness he offers us in our brokenness is something only our heavenly father could contain. he offers a strength and love that hit me so deeply even when I wasn't sure I believed any of it. All the questions of worth, balance, being enough came into questions. It was hard but I find myself in tears thankful that that year gave me you. Your un conditional love is the sweetest glimpse of heaven I have ever experienced.
(short words to describe December 4th and 5th) December 5th 2015, It wasn't how I imagined it. You weren't ready and neither were we. My body was so crazy swollen, I don't look like my self in some of the pictures. You were giving us way to many scares with your heart rate. But in time you came. And you were perfect. Here we are a yr later almost to the exact time. Sweet boy of ours. We love your unexpected self. Your busy when we imagined you to be calm , blonde when we thought you would be brunette , passionate when we envisioned you to be stoic. God has a sweet path in store for you and my heart burst thinking just where that may go. I pray even in the times of unknown you seek the joy that is always able to be found in the small details. happy first baby B 👶🏼. Life with you is too much fun.
My favorite moments from 2016 involve you.
Some how looking back at these pictures it feels so simple. But when my memory kicks into gear I see something so different. These images are such a beautiful gift to me. I remember thinking at just a few days old how I needed to have my camera out to capture you and our day to day. I truly believe that was God. Because when I use my memory to reflect on 2016 its full of emotional and physical pain because lets be real postpartum was rough on my body. However when I see these pictures I see your joy. I see my smiles. I get to see that even in some truly dark days their were some truly beautiful and amazing moments.
Your father has a different story. And I am sure during your life he will share little glimpses of that world to you. But in my words he was KICK ASS. I mean kid you don't even know how lucky you are. When you arrived Troy grasped fatherhood as if it was the most important job in the world (it truly is but not all men do this) Your daddy is the kind of man that defines fatherhood. He was up every moment with me. Through tube feedings, supplement system set ups, bottle feedings while I pumped and once I could breast feed he would get up with me and sit on the floor helping me or encouraging me. It probably sounds like over kill to most or crazy that I needed all that help but your dad never complained. He just did it. He was just there. He knew thats what we all needed as a family to best care for you. He rocked you to sleep, Kissed your sweet face, read you books and hoped you would say dada first (you did). And my favorite memory I hope to hold on to forever is that every night after 12 hours of work he would come home walk into your room and pick you up and sit with you in the chair. He loved those sleep snuggles (update 16months old and he still does this) those moments warmed my heart. You have a strong man to lead you teach you and love you. It doesn't get much sweeter.
Sometimes joy happens so fast and in such beautiful simple moments that we completely miss it. I am so thankful for these still frames that captured your first moments so well so that I can re write my year through them. And that maybe in the future when our family grows again I might uses this as a space of hope. That if PPD finds me again I can see that there truly is light after the storm. There was so much joy and beauty in your first year. Even if it looked different than I dreamed it was simply perfection because we got you.
Thanks for your gift of love, the ultimate grace and that smile that lights up my (our) world.